Sometimes I look at other people and wonder if they’ve had their, “How the hell did I get here?” moment yet.
It was bitter cold. Like… Bitter. Fucking. Cold! Why the hell I chose to live in the midwest is beyond me. Oh yeah! “There are good jobs near Chicago.” Is that really a good reason to live where the literal air hurts my face every winter? Why not live in Arizona? *P.S. I found out that I don’t live in Arizona because: scorpions and rattlesnakes. Fuck that. Nope!*
But here I am. The wind is blowing. A dust cloud blows past me. It was a puff of salt from a nearby parking lot. At least the businesses here don’t want me to slip on ice. The downside is that my shoes are getting eaten by the mounds of salt. But hey, better than performing Disney on Ice everytime I wanted something to eat.
I made my way to a local Thai food place. It was quaint and our favorite place to eat out. They had limited hours but their food made your taste buds do gymnastics. We came here as often as we needed a “treat yo’self” moment. The indoor decor was a mix: leftover wall tiles from a previous Italian joint, a revamped industrial look across the ceiling, a shot of elegance at each table with an actual rose resting in a glass bowl, and the classic restaurant dining chairs. It was like an elegant hole in the wall. We loved it.
I keep saying we… Did I mention Jenn? We had been a “we” for about five years. Wait... yeah. I was twenty-five when we met. Would you believe me that we met on one of those apps? I don’t think she even was looking for someone. She was wearing a pink wig and giant wide rimmed nerdy glasses in her profile pic. She was tilting her head, smiling with her tongue out and flashing a peace sign. I know her picture was some kind of party picture or prank, but those eyes! She had ice blue eyes. So I swiped right.
Now, that was actually a "mistake". I should have read her profile. Ask any girl on any one of those apps, they hate it when a guy just swipes right without even reading their profile. I had made the first of many mistakes. Naturally, we didn’t organically match either. So I did what any stupid and desperate guy would do, make another, second mistake.
I started typing. “Hey! You look" -- annnnd I hit send accidentally. There were so many mistakes here but can I focus on one side tracked thingy… the dating apps completely suck for messaging. So BAD! I’ve literally sent the message “H” before because of fat fingering “send”. Could they at least give the option to review the message first? Most guys really should reconsider what they wrote anyway! Moving on…
A quick lesson to the guys reading this. Never start your conversation with just a “Hey”. Women hate this. It’s not the worst to start a sentence like that, but can you be at least a little creative? I’m not saying go all poetic and shit, but at least something a little different. Remember, you are trying to spark interest in someone that never met you. Be interesting! And secondly, related too, commenting on how she looks is usually frowned on by the woman. Not always, but frequently. If she's not interested in you, than whatever you think about the way she looks is creepy to her. Just saying. I have other dating advice, but you’ll have to buy my book. (I don’t have a book, I just always wanted to say that).
Ten days later (I regretted my message every day between, I may have some slight anxiety) she texted me back. “Hey, you look too.”
I yelped. The message came right as I was “testing” my coffee to see if it was too hot. It was too hot, but I sipped and gulped when I heard the app’s notification. Clearly, I wasn’t the most popular male on the app. Getting any notification shouldn’t cause me to be that excited. But it did and I was.
I was also confused as fuck regarding what to say back. I obviously made a mistake with my incomplete thought. but she responded so that was cool. She was playful too and not adversarial. Cool. Cool. Cool. And most of all, she responded so she must have been some kind of interest in me. I liked that thought! *sigh* I’m way ahead of myself.
Overthinking comes natural to me. It took me an hour to respond. No, I wasn’t doing the “Don’t respond right away… be busy… let supsense build a little” tactic that people say to do. Instead, I let my coffee get stone cold while debating with myself how to say something back. I went with, “Wow, we both look. 😆 Speaking of, did you see that sky today?” *send*
Well, that could go any number of ways. I mean. she could respond with just a “yes” which would basically be a blow off. She might really be into the sky so that could basically go any direction: sunsets, moonrises, stargazing, the Northern Lights, or even astrology. She might just completely ignore me because I'm a dork. Then again she just might--
“Yes! Talk about blue! 🤭” She answered right away! And best of all, she answered in the best possible way. She recognized his setup and responded accordingly. It was perfect. She totally finished the quote from The Emporers New Groove when Kronk was uncomfortable and trying to shift subjects. She was gold.
Then and now.
