“What are you gonna do about it, Jack.”
…
Hello. Timing has never been a strength of mine. I can’t really think of any significant strengths right now. Oh, I am good at getting the shit kicked out of me. Is that a strength? Hang on! I’m about to get punched in the gut…
OOMPH!
….
I’m waking in bed. My grandmother is putting fresh ice wrapped in a damp cloth on my face. Why my face? Because I ducked. Instead of dodging the blow, I took it square in the face. Yeah, I have zero strengths.
“What happened to you, Jack?”
“That bastard--”
Slap! Grandma! She slapped my bruised face, hard. She has a zero-tolerance policy for, well, whatever she deems inappropriate. You’d think I would be tougher from living with her, but life is full of irony.
“What was that? You stopped mid-sentence.” Grandma chides. I rub my face.
“That Thompson kid cornered me and took everything from me.”
“What did you do? Did you protest?” I hate disappointing my Grandma, but that’s just not me. I’m not a fighter. I’d hardly call myself a lover, but no fighter for sure.
“Of course I did.” Lying is bad, but I do sometimes.
“Good. And you used your face as a shield to protect what?” It is impossible to lie to her.
I lay in silence.
“Well, are you ready to go back and get our supplies?” I cannot believe she wants me to go back out. She is unreasonable. That damn kid might still be out there. I look straight into my grandma’s eyes. I know her, she is not going to budge. I nod my head.
…
Two hours later, I’m walking into town leading my grandma’s favorite, and only, cow. Times are tough. This old animal has seen better days. We can not keep feeding her. That, and she is withering away. She’s too skinny to eat and grandma thinks we could get more from selling her than keeping her. Truth be told, we have nothing else.
I am walking through the market. There are very few tables. I see a few merchants, but their tables are mostly bare. I keep walking because I don’t need trinkets, spices or paper: I need to find the cow buying person. (What do you call those people?)
“Hello, Jack!” I hear a voice like crackers being crushed. I turn. “Hello!” She speaks to me and I can see this voice matches the character. I see an old woman. I see a witch.
I keep walking.
“Jack, I could use a cow.” She calls after me. I hesitate, briefly, but continue moving forward. “Jack, I can pay with magic.”
I pause now. Damn! She knows my weakness… Magic! I begin to remember stories of magic and adventure. My heart wants to do something, but I always feel unprepared. She calls again, “Come here, Jack.” And I do.
Standing in front of an old witch isn’t really that exciting. Maybe a few hundred years ago she was intimidating. Who knows? Maybe she was a hot witch! All I know is right now, nope! Neither. She starts her pitch, “Jack, I have exactly what you need. You need this."
That was a short pitch.
She reaches toward me with a bony hand. I begin to pray she won't touch me but I stop praying immediately-- what exactly happens when you pray in front of a witch? Like, will she stop her magic? I want to know what she is about to offer so praying is off the table.
"Jack!" She pokes me. I didn't die, but I did wake from my self-induced trance. I look down to her hand again.
"Beans?"
"Magic beans!" She waves her other hand with wonder.
My attention is captured. "Magic beans!?!" I look at the five black beans in her hand. I'm visibly excited. "Magic!" I repeat, wonder written all over my face.
"Yes! I'll trade you these beans for, "she pauses, almost as if she wants to create a dramatic effect, "your cowbell."
"The bell?" I can not believe she wants the cowbell for these beans. That's ridiculous!
"Yes… just your--"
I cut her off. "Listen here! I may look like an idiot but that's just because I got suckerpunched earlier today and my face is still puffy. You think I'm gonna trade this bell for five 'magic' beans???"
"It will be worth your--"
"You can take the bell and the cow!"
The witch looks around to see if anyone else could hear our deal in the works. Obviously, she doesn't want anyone to know about the bargain I'm getting from her. She takes the lead from my hand and gives me the five beans. I thank her for her generous deal and she scurries away. I smile to myself. Grandma is going to be so excited!
…
There are any number of reasons you could question my intelligence. I'll start your list for you:
I simply freeze in every confrontation. Example: when that kid socked me in the face
I'm frozen right now, while my grandma slaps me with unwavering resolve
I sold our last valuable resource for five beans
I actually, really do believe in magic
I ate two of the beans on the way home thinking they would give me magic powers
I can't swim, even after eating two magic beans. Also, “fun fact”, swimming isn’t a magical ability
I don't know how long of a list you want, but the story isn't over, so the list will grow
…
You probably already understand that my Grandma doesn't appreciate my bargaining skills. Shortly after arriving home with just three magic beans, my grandma started to slap the daylights out of me. Really!?! How much can a face take in one day? In between slaps I tried to figure out how I got here.
slap
Why didn't I--
SLAP
Ask for more--
SLAP!
Beans??
Slap, slap, slap, slap (she was two-hand slapping the shit out of me now) (I have to stop this)
I lean forward and grab my Grandma in a big hug. "I'm sorry Grandma. I know we don't have much… or anything really… I'll go back to town in the morning and figure something out."
My grandma, so old and tired, just looks at me. "Yeah, tomorrow Jack." Her voice trails as she walks away. I am a colossal failure.
My hands hold those three beans. Three black beans. Three black, 'magic' beans. I toss them out the window into a pile of manure. That worthless shit belongs in a shit pile.
I belong in that pile to be honest.
Tomorrow, I have to make this right. I'll get a good night of rest, but tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be epic. It will be one gigantic day for Jack! People will be talking about it for years to come. Jack will prove he's not just a dumbhead. Tomorrow Jack will (why am I referring to myself as Jack now? Oh yeah… on-the-nose storyboard foreshadowing!)
Surprise to no one! Tomorrow starts less than better.
-Kevin Risatti
