Recently, I was listening to Bert Kreischer talk with Kevin Smith on “Two Bears One Cave” (Episode 186). I think I enjoy podcasts because I like eavesdropping on others' conversations. To me, the best podcasts feel like I’m just listening to people talk. On this podcast, they were doing just that. They were talking about life, wealth and their pursuit of happiness. During this conversation Kevin Smith started saying, (I'm paraphrasing) how he didn't understand his dad. He said how his dad just went to work and came home. He didn't push for what most considered to be "success". He seemed happy with living an average life.
Kevin Smith is a stark contrast to average. Smith has a "cult" following. He has starred in and produced many movies. On the podcast, he talked about how he had to create his popularity from nothing. Smith learned marketing, business, and relationships which was the opposite of his dad. Smith, through his grind to success, found himself puzzled by his dad’s status quo life.
One day Smith had a revelation. After achieving fame and recognition, after realizing his dreams, he was forced to take a moment and reconsider himself. He then understood that his dad wasn't lazy or average. He saw that his dad HAD been successful and had achieved his dream as well. Smith realized that his dad's goal was to have a family, to be a dad. He mentioned in the podcast that he looked at his dad with a new perspective because he was now able to see his dad's success too.
Again, that was a paraphrase. It was a fascinating conversation though and I recommend listening to the podcast. It is a "mature" podcast so listener's discretion is advised.
This brings me to a thought.
I know I've mentioned (to those who follow me) my love of writing and art. This site is obviously an expression of that. I believe art is important to humanity. I love the feeling when an expression resonates with another person. Shared emotions are beautiful. I'd happily create and emote with or without any other person's approval. Art is art.
I don't, however, find my personal value in writing, photography, or any other creative endeavor. My success has always centered around my family.
I grew up in a family centered household. It was a great example to me and something I wanted to build for myself too. For that reason, when I left home; I left for good. I remember many years ago as a young adult working relentless hours to make ends meet. I was building something. In college, I stayed in the dorms, working two jobs while taking a full credit load. Midway through college I got married and kept up with multiple jobs, school, and "life". I actually graduated from college with no debt. Life did its best to kick me in the ass though. Bills and expenses came from every direction. I remember telling my dad that I really wanted to buy a music CD I had seen in the store (for $10) but didn't. He asked why and I told him I didn't have the money at the time. He told me, "Kevin, you make enough money. Buy the CD." My dad didn't know that I actually didn't have ten dollars to spare at that time. Things were tight.
Allow me to fast rewind and fast-forward at the same time...
RW: Twenty-four years ago I was driving down a country road with my detasseling manager. We were talking about random things and I mentioned that I had a life goal to never drink alcohol. He laughed. He said, "Well, Life has a way of throwing us curveballs."
FF: A few weeks ago, I was at a graduation party where the host gave us Everclear jello shots. While everyone else was gagging and puking, I looked around wondering if I had the placebo. I was unaffected and universally declared to have "Taken it like a Champ!"
Needless to say, Life has thrown me some curveballs.
Now then, where was I? Oh yeah, I didn't have ten bucks and Life was throwing curves like an MLB pitcher. My full-time employer was hiring a salary position and I tossed my name into the hat. I got the position and thought I had arrived. Little did I know that my position was at the bottom of Shit's Hill and “all shit rolls downhill”. Marching up that hill sucked, but I did. After years of trudging I got used to the cadence. Things were not too bad.
Not long after my family status was married and the dad to four boys. How that happened, I don’t know! But it was the best thing in my life. Every day when work was over, I rushed out to get home. Being a husband and father was the core of my identity. It was where I found my value and my greatest success.
Twenty-four years ago my manager had enough foresight to tell me that Life throws some curveballs, but he failed to mention Life’s cruel sense of humor. I learned that myself.
Divorce.
I don’t talk about my divorce a lot. In fact, despite my ex-wife and I separating over 4 years ago, just last week a long time friend of mine found out that I’m divorced. So yeah, I don’t talk about it a lot. One reason for that is because I have no mud to fling or dirt to spread. I have a great deal of respect for my kid’s mom. She is a great person and an incredible influence on my kids. We co-parent together for our kids’ success and we get along quite well. Not everyone gets married for life and that’s OK.
Divorce was a doozy of a curveball. In fact, to be completely honest, the night I realized that “this was happening” was the first time I got drunk. (My manager is somewhere reading this saying, “Called it!”) Because I found my identity as a family man, divorce tore into the core of my being. I felt like I was destined for failure. I could not be a success again.
Here, I’ll take a moment to interject my own story (again?). Divorce is difficult, it was designed that way. Whether you are initiating the divorce or responding to the news, it’s not easy. There is also a lot of social stigma around divorce. My perspective on the whole situation has grown a lot and I’ve realized two things:
If you have kids, your responsibility as parents is still to love and protect your kids. Divorce is between two adults. You may not be married, but your kids still have two parents. That doesn’t change.
Divorce is a growth opportunity. It’s a storm. A lot of things change. You have the opportunity to come out the other side a better person. Make that a goal. Don’t let this curveball cause you to strike out.
Back to where I was prior to my rabbit trail… so many things changed, but one thing didn’t change: I am very invested in my kids. I love when they paint pictures or post TikToks. Our bike rides and walks are treasured times. We play Fortnite, watch YouTube, and enjoy movie nights. We play frisbee in the park. We spend late nights at the drive-in. We go to concerts and events. These guys are my priority. Family is my priority. (Insert any Dom GIF about “Family”)
One of my favorite things to do is walk our local bike trail. My kids prefer to ride bikes. It’s become a joke. In fact, for Father’s Day my son wrote in his card to me, “Please can we not take a walk or bike ride today?” I laughed, but we still took a short ride. On those adventures we almost always stop at a particular spot to take a group photo. I have literally hundreds of these photos.
On one of these rides, I was biking alongside my youngest. He is almost eight now. He looked over at me and asked, “Dad, would you rather bike ride or take a walk?”
I told him right away, “I’d rather walk!”
He was puzzled. “Why would you rather walk?”
I told him, “Everything in this world happens so quickly… walking forces us to slow down, to be in the moment.”
He thought for a second… “Would you rather ride bikes with us? Or walk by yourself?”
Without hesitation. “I’d rather ride bikes with you. Every time.”
He smiled ear to ear. “I know! You always want to be with us.”
He’s right.
If you made it this far then you may be wondering why I started with the Kevin Smith story, eh? Well, I was mowing my lawn and listening to the “Two Bears One Cave” podcast when Kevin Smith said that he realized his dad was a success as a family man. It was only seconds, but my life went into replay. All the things I just told you, and more, were in that replay. I found myself to be angry and disappointed with myself. I knew that I had lost. Life’s curveballs had already struck me out. I could never be that dad, that family man, that part of me core to my identity. I would never be—wait! My youngest and that ride came to mind. And then… jumping on the trampoline, playing cards, Victory Royale’s, Skillet Concerts, and so much more.
“I know! You always want to be with us.”
There I was with my lawn mower spewing grass pieces all over and tears welling up in my eyes. Some part of me realized that I didn’t strike out yet. In fact, on a few of those pitches I hit home runs but never took the time to see it. That core part of my identity was intact and had never been lost. Despite what I had considered a less-than-ideal family situation, my kids are happy and know they are loved. That is success!
Look… I know my life isn’t over. Well, I think so. I hope so… let me rephrase. I know Life still has some more curveballs planned. My life isn’t over and I’m still at bat. There’s surely another pitch coming soon and I’ll be ready for it. One thing I know now that I didn’t know before: I can hit a curveball!
Batter UP!
-Kevin Risatti